Yes Both of Them!

So I’m at the doctor for my surgical clearance and I’m in with the nurse. She’s talking about what’s in my file and asking about the type of surgery etc. When I respond that  I’m have a Bi-lateral Mastectomy (getting rid of both of them) she’s like what! Then turns around stunned. She then begins to say... But it’s only in one breast and you’re so young. I’m Like yah your right but I have a 95% chance of getting it in the other one. My chances of getting breast cancer again increase by 1% every year. By the time I’m 60 it’s like 33%. I’m sooo good on those odds. Deciding on a Bi-Lateral was the easiest decision of them all. I remember seeing Christina Applegate go through her whole thing. My sis and I said if it was ever us we would cut off the other one. This was even before we knew what the odds were like. Not for nothing, but your trying to kill me so our relationship is done! All I can do is look down at them and say REALLY! REALLY! Plus who doesn’t want bigger better boobs? I would have liked to get them a different way but I have to make the best of a bad situation.

See it all started in the shower…. I felt a lump. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t doing an exam b\c I really wasn’t good on remembering those. I was like hmm that’s weird. Let me tell the doctor and I need to make an appointment anyway for some other stuff. Two mammograms, two ultrasounds, and a biopsy later it’s CANCER! I was thrown into a world I knew nothing about. Of course at first I’m like umm we don’t have family history so where is it coming from. The biopsy was interesting b\c they literally stick a needle in your breast (guided by an ultrasound) to take a sample. This machine makes sucking noises and viola, you have a sample.

Knowing me I started to Google things (after the shock wore off)and found a web-site breastcancer.org. It’s the best because the women on the discussion board post all types of things and it’s organized. I can’t Project Manage this entire process but I’m still trying to be as prepared as possible. I have lists of questions for all my surgeons and packing lists for the hospital. It’s weird to be sick but not feel it. I’m still working crazy hard and still involved in church. My life goes on and I’m trying to keep everything as normal as possible until they wheel me into the Operating Room. Life happens when you’re not looking. With the Faith I have in my God and the support of my family and friends I’ll be ok.

Xanax is made for days like this!

Ok so I’m 17 days from surgery and I decided to finally start a blog about this interesting and difficult journey I’m on. I will post one day this week and actually explain the whole "story" but today; I found the need to just say how I feel.

 When I first met my Oncologist I asked if there was anything I could take for my nervous stomach even OTC. I was 3 days post diagnosis and needless to say my head was still spinning and my stomach didn’t want to settle. I literally hadn’t been able to hold any sustenance in my stomach for days. She asked me if I was depressed… I looked to Nadia and said I don’t think so. Then asked a couple of other questions and said she couldn’t suggest anything OTC but it’s probably related to anxiety. She gave me a low dose of Xanax and I was like ohh ok.

In the days that came I didn’t need them. Just talking with her made me feel so much better that my stomach calmed down. However as I continued to play the waiting game my fear and nerves came in full force. I would literally sit there and stare off into space and THINK. I believe I was thinking so hard I couldn’t even remember all the thoughts going on. I don’t remember what day I first took the little pill but I can remember feeling 10X better.


In any case I say all of that to explain I’m having a Xanax kind of day. Some days I’m just plain overwhelmed. Thinking about all the things I need to do and still haven’t finished can make your head spin. Of course being a project manager doesn’t help the situation. There are so many areas of inefficiency that I see. Of course I try to PM everything that I can because I know so many things are out of my control. Until I’m sitting on that gurney I’ll let go and let flow what I can..but I know the PM in me will still be seeing things which can be done better.